Gollum's Wedding
by Henry Plantagenet
Summary: How Gollum found his sweetheart...


**Gollum's Wedding **

Gollum cleared his throat, struck a discordant note on his silver harp, and began to sing in a meek tenor voice…

Fissshh lady, fish laaaadeeeey,  
Will you be mine?  
My precioussss ssstarfishhhh,  
I love you all the time  
My gorgeousss cave-fishhhh….

He switched to Sindarin, the language of his lady love…

_Limhiril, Limhiril, (1)  
Cuiathach go nin?  
Grothlim nîn ben mist,  
Le melon aur a fuin  
Thalion im  
Thalion i mela le... (2) _

A well-aimed fish hissed through the air and crashed through the strings of the harp, producing a discordant jangle of sound. With a howl of rage, Gollum rushed off in the direction of his assailant; his lady love forgotten.

His lady love sighed, and picked up the broken harp. She knew who Gollum's assailant was. It was her brother.

Gimli, son of Glóin watched helplessly from his hiding place in the bushes as the beautiful Princess Limhiril walked away, harp in hand. Legolas' sister Limhiril was fair of face beyond the measure of men or even of elves. And she was in love with…Sméagol the Stoor, a.k.a. Gollum. No wonder Leggy was mad. No wonder Leggy was constantly walking around with his quiver full of fissssh, always on the lookout for an opportunity to hurl them at Gollum.

He could understand how Leggy felt. But somehow, he felt that Leggy was obsessing over it far too much…. Limhiril, after all, looked so happy now. Why, just weeks ago, she'd been so miserable that Leggy had despaired of ever cheering her up again…

Legolas stomped back through the undergrowth, his feet caked in mud, his hair sweaty and tangled, cursing under his breath. Not knowing what to say, Gimli smiled at him in sympathy.

"How can you smile at a time like this?" growled Legolas, turning on Gimli in exasperation. As he turned, he slipped in the mud and lost his balance. Gimli grabbed at Leggy's quiver to try to stop him from falling. The quiver cracked, and its fragrant contents splattered all over Legolas' face.

"That small, slimy creature," howled Legolas, "…it's all his fault. That web-footed amphibian. That bestial fish-champing carnivore. That &$#(()$#! That **$#$&&&$#!**

Legolas got his feet, cursing, covered with slime, and with a fish in each hand. It occurred to Gimli that Leggy was actually beginning to resemble Gollum now. But he wisely chose not to say so.

"Leggy," said Gimli, "Think of how miserable she was before – think of how happy he's made her now…"

"You're right, I suppose," said Legolas, grudgingly. "Amras (3) was a fool to marry someone else. But Limhiril was an even greater fool to sit around moping about it for months and months. Gimli, my sister is sssso sssstupid…"

He's beginning to talk like Gollum, too, thought Gimli. We're going to have two preciouss little Gollums on our hands, if this goes on much longer… He patted Legolas on the back.

"C'mon," he said. "Lets go back to Frodo's place and you can have a bath…"

------------------------x x x---------------------

Legolas and Gimli had come to visit their hobbit friends in the Shire. Legolas had brought his sister along too, in the hope that the change would take her mind off her recent disappointment. He'd thought that the company of a cheery Merry or Pippin would shake her out of her misery. But unfortunately, she'd found a soul mate in Frodo, who agreed with Limhiril that people had a right to be miserable if they wanted to. And then, she'd met Gollum…

She'd been sitting one day on the grassy bank of the Water, meditating on the unfairness of life, when she was startled to realise that she was not alone. There was an elderly hobbit sitting quietly on the bank of the river, fishing.

It was Gollum. Gollum had lived in the Shire for some years now. Yessss, it was a few years ago that all those things had happened. But he remembered the events on Mount Doom as if they'd happened just yesterday – the wild, desperate fight for the Ring, the euphoria when it was finally his… and then the terror as his foot slipped; the shock as the Ring fell down into the fiery depths of the mountain. And then, the helping hands that pulled him up to safety – the hands of Frodo and Sam.

He hadn't been grateful to them then. He'd cursed them for saving his life when he'd rather have died. He'd hidden himself for months in a rocky cave in Ithilien. But Frodo had tracked him down.

"I want you to recover," Frodo had said, "…it's important to me for you to get well… because then I'll know that I can do it too…"

Gollum had seen a look in Frodo's eyes that he recognised. A look of sheer, utter despair. This was what the Ring did to people – it shattered their lives and broke them down, until they could not live normally again…Gollum had felt a sudden desire to wipe that look of despair from Frodo's dark eyes. He wasn't very good at talking. But he would show Frodo that yesssss, he could get back again to what he'd been before. He would show him by example that it could be done…

So Gollum had gone to the Shire with Frodo and Sam. He'd built a hobbit hole for himself on the banks of the little river that gurgled through the Shire, that the hobbits called the Water.

He'd tried to work on the simple things at first… he'd tried to enjoy the smell of the grass, the warmth of the sun. He'd tried to enjoy once again the little things that had once been a pleasure to him, years and years ago… and in his concern to demonstrate to Frodo that healing was possible, Gollum had begun to heal himself.

And so, here he was now, sitting on the river bank, fissshhing. He didn't catch fish with his bare hands any more. He used a fishing rod, because it was less efficient. It gave him an excuse to sit by the river for hours, drinking in the sunshine, listening to the peaceful drone of the Shire insects and thinking of nothing in particular…

Gollum suddenly became aware that he was not alone. A beautiful elf-maiden sat on the bank of the river, absorbed in her own thoughts. And her thoughts appeared to be extremely unpleasant thoughts… why, she looked as if she'd just lost her precioussss!

And so, Gollum and Limhiril had got talking. Unbeknownst to Legolas, Frodo or anyone else, they would meet at the river every day and talk – Limhiril would talk about how she'd lost her preciouss, to this understanding hobbit with the kindly eyes. Gollum would patiently explain to her again and again that there is still life after losing your preciouss. And their relationship blossomed to the point at which Legolas had started to prowl the Shire with a quiver full of fissshhh, looking for an opportunity to throw them at Gollum.

--------------------x x x--------------------

And then one day, as Frodo and Sam walked down the path to the river, they heard a familiar voice singing…

"Spiny little sstoor man  
Plays a jingling lyre  
He's walking down a dirt road  
Carrying his fisssshing rod….  
To a river where the water meets the sky…." (4)

"Gollum!" exclaimed Frodo.

"That'sss me," said Gollum.

Frodo and Sam tried to look as if they just happened to be passing by, as if they weren't dying to know what had happened. They looked at Gollum. Gollum looked at them.

"Well?" asked Frodo at last.

Gollum's face split into a wide grin.

"She said yessssss!"

Frodo and Sam congratulated Gollum by throwing him into the river - straw hat, fissshhing tackle and all.

Gollum emerged from the river, still grinning, and walked away, singing to himself.

"She fills up my sensess  
Like a ssskunk in the foresssst  
Like the flowersss in ssspringtime,  
Like a sshark in the ssea…" (5)

"I think we'd better go and comfort Leggy," said Sam to Frodo, after Gollum was out of earshot.

----------------------x x x---------------------

Gimli was surprised at how well Legolas was taking it. Until he realised that Leggy's calm exterior was just a false front – Legolas Greenleaf was plotting something. Gimli decided to tackle him on the subject.

"Legolas Greenleaf," he asked, with his customary directness, "What are you up to?"

"Who, me?" asked Legolas innocently.

"Yes, you. What were you discussing with Radagast the Brown yesterday, for hours and hours? And why have you bought bushels and bushels of birdfeed? And what were you ordering at the fishmonger's yesterday? You, my friend, are Up To No Good."

"I'm just organising a little wedding present for Gollum," said Legolas, still innocently.

"So you're plotting to ruin the wedding?" asked Gimli. His stern voice suddenly turned pleading. "Leggy whatever it is, don't do it – she's your only sister, after all. You don't want to do something you'll regret later…"

Legolas grinned, but said nothing. There was something a little unpleasant about his grin.

---------------------------x x x-----------------------

The day of the wedding dawned bright and clear, but Gollum was a bundle of nerves. As the day wore on, he managed to have an altercation with every one of his friends. He'd _told_ Sam that he wanted to serve the rabbits raw to his wedding guests, but Sam and Rosie had insisted on making them into a ssssstinking sssstew full of herbs, the smell of which turned his stomach. Frodo had insisted on his wearing a hot, uncomfortable suit, with a scratchy starched shirt, worst of all, and ssocksss and sssssshoes. Frodo, his best man, was carrying on more like his worst enemy.

Just then Frodo appeared.

"It's arrived," he said. "Your ring, from Celebrimbor Jewellers. They've inscribed it just as you asked them to – 'Fissh nazg durbatuluk, fish nazg gimbatul…'"

Gollum's morose face broke into a wan smile. This was the only good thing about the wedding ceremony – he'd get a new ring, a new preciousssss…

The thought of his new ring helped to get him through the long, tedious ceremony.  
He even answered with an enthusiastic "Yesss!" when Gandalf asked if he was ready to take Princess Limhiril to be his lawfully wedded wife. But suddenly, things went horribly wrong.

Gandalf suddenly asked him to put his ring on Limhiril's finger. _His_ ring – his preciouss ring, from Celebrimbor Jewellers…

"Noooooo!" cried Gollum, in horror. "I'm NOT giving away the ring!"

Gandalf, Frodo and Sam tried threats, pleas and entreaties, all to no avail. Gollum grabbed the ring from Sam, the ringbearer, and refused to give it up. In a desperate bid to save the wedding, Frodo and Sam decided to take it from him by force.

"Fissssh nazg durbatuluk," howled Gollum, holding his ring tight as Frodo and Sam tried to wrest it from his finger. "Fissshh nazg gimbatul! Fisssssssssh nazg thrakatulukses! WAAAAAAAAH! **WAAAAAAAAAAAH!**"

"This," said Legolas, "is the moment I've been waiting for…"

"No, Leggy," pleaded Gimli, "Leggy, please – for the last time, let me entreat you not to ruin your sister's wedding…"

Legolas gave a maniacal cackle and raised his arm in a pre-arranged signal. The sky darkened as thousands of birds flew in formation over the assembled guests. (Fortunately for Legolas' plans, Frodo and Sam had organised an outdoor wedding.)

As the wedding guests looked up at the sky in sudden apprehension, their faces were smacked and splattered with a deluge of fat shiny juicy fisssshhh.

Legolas turned to Gollum with a fiendish grin. "This," he said, "is your wedding present!"

Gollum stood staring up into the sky in stunned silence. "Fisssshhh," he whispered, in amazement. Here, finally, was someone who understood what he really wanted. Fisssshh! Hundreds, thousands of juicy shiny fragrant fisssshhh!

Gollum turned to Legolas, his large, expressive eyes brimming with gratitude.

"Thank you," he said. "Thank you…"

"He's been planning this for days," said Gimli, with perfect truth.

Limhiril, too, was smiling at her brother in appreciation of his thoughtful gesture. Gandalf patted Legolas on the back. "I'm glad that you've finally overcome your misgivings, and decided to support them," he said.

Legolas had unexpectedly become the kindly brother who had gone out of his way to make the wedding a success… and he was surprised to find that he liked his new role.

"Oh, it was nothing," he smiled, modestly. "Think nothing of it."

Gollum, his face wreathed in a delighted smile, slipped his ring onto Limhiril's finger.

"With thissss ring," he said, "I wed my preciousss."

To Gollum's utter amazement, Limhiril produced a ring, too, and placed it on his finger. It was a gleaming band of gold decorated with delicately rendered _grothlim_ – his favourite fish. On it were engraved the words, _"Grothlim nîn ben mist,"_ meaning "My cave-fish without flaw."

Gandalf smiled. "I now pronounce you cave-fish and wife," he said. "Congratulations! You may now kiss your bride."

_----------------------------------------------------------_

_Acknowledgements:_  
I would like to thank:  
Beren Elaran – for translating Gollum's love song into Sindarin, and for creating a new species of Middle-earth fish, the grothlim or cave-fish.  
Firiel and Ailinel - for your help in naming Limhiril, Gollum's bride, and for your help with Beren Elaran's translation.  
Nenyia – for your help and your patience.  
My fellow weavers of the Realm of Vairë of CoE – for your encouragement.

_Footnotes_

(1) "Limhiril" is Sindarin for "fish maiden."

(2) Notes on Sindarin translation by Beren Elaran:

_Limhiril, Limhiril,_  
Fish-lady, Fish-lady  
_Cuiathach go nin?_  
Will you live with me?  
_Grothlim nîn ben mist,_  
My cave-fish without flaw  
_Le melon aur a fuin_  
I love you day and night  
_Thalion im_  
I'm a dauntless man  
_Thalion i mela le..._  
A dauntless man who loves you...

I translated "will you be mine" as "cuiathach go nin" for a couple reasons. #1, I'm pretty sure that the Elves wouldn't use the possessive when talking about human relationships other than that of master and slave. #2, the form that I know of for "will be" is rather conjectural.

I chose to make a compound to denote a type of fish that Gollum would no doubt feel a very close connection with.

- BerenElaran.

(3) This individual is no relation of the famed Fëanàro Curufinwë.

(4) Adaptation of the song "That's Where I Belong" by Paul Simon.

(5) Adaptation of "Annie's Song" by John Denver.


End file.
